I'm Glad my Mom died connection

     Although my parents are fantastic, and I would consider my childhood about perfect, I do think that it is still very easy to relate to Jennette McCurdy's story.  I think that Jennette was forced into a situation where she had to please every single person that she came across.  It wasn't only Jennette's mom that she had to please.  Jennette had to please the people at church, her brothers, she wanted her dad to be happy. She had to please every director, every manager, every agent, every teacher, and every person she auditioned for.  Jennette's life became a matter of putting literally every single other person in front of herself.  She lied about what she felt so that her mom could just be happy.  Similarly, in my own life I've experienced the desire to lie and be uncomfortable for the benefit of others.   While Jennette's unfortunate condition was the product of constant pressure from her mom, my own was from my own mind.  

   In every aspect of her childhood, Jennette McCurdy was put into a position where she just wanted her mom to be happy.  Her mother was manipulative, narcissistic, and volatile.  Her volatility could only be controlled if she was happy.  To be happy, the world had to work just right for her, and for the world to work just right for her, Jennette's mom would manipulate people's emotions to succumb to her own desires.  A perfect example of this occurred after Jennette didn't book the role of Emily Cohen in the show, 'Without a Trace".  She wasn't able to bring herself to cry because she wanted to feel real emotions, not fake one's .  On the drive home, Net told her mom she didn't want to act anymore.  "'You can't quit!' she sobs.  'This was our chance! This was ouuuuur chaaaaance!'" her mom responded.  Her mom was devastated, but then when Net said "'Nevermind'" Deb's crying stops immediately.  Jennette's mom cared of course, but her tears were manipulative.  They were used simply to make Jennette feel guilty, and of course Jennette changed her mind just so that her mom would be happy.  

    In my own life, nobody puts this kind of pressure on me, I end up just doing it somehow.  I remember since forever, that I always felt some sort of thing telling me to go just one extra mile on every little thing just so that someone else would like it.  Every essay had to be a page longer than the kid next to me, every last rep had to feel the way it should.  This especially flared up when baseball became serious.  

    I remember that beginning in freshman year, I began to hit and throw on my own a lot more.  I remember doing drills, and coach Don at BUBA telling me what I should feel in each one.  This could have been a stretch across my torso to my peck, or the why my bat shouldn't fly away from my body.  Anyway, coach Don probably didn't give a shit.  He was there to make money, but for some reason, I felt like every single rep had to feel the exact way it should.  

It is at this point in my blog that I just realized I'm not actually relating to Jennette's desire to please others, but I can relate to the aspect of OCD, and wanting to do something just right because it doesn't sit right with her or me if it is any other way.  

    Returning to my own story.  This makes a lot more sense now.  I have never officially been diagnosed with OCD or anything of that sort, but something just pisses me off and bugs me if I don't produce the highest quality of output that I can.  For example, math comes easily to me, and there is always a solid right answer.  I love this, and I love that when I get it, everything makes sense and clicks.  But!!! When something doesn't make sense or click, it makes me angry.  I'll think about it at baseball practice, and during English class about why the hell it would work that way.  Eventually, the math would click and I could move on from the class that happened an hour ago, a day ago, or 3 days ago.  Back to my baseball analogy, I go to a place called TAP training for throwing.  I have a set of throwing drills unique to me to improve my mechanics.  I know what I'm supposed to feel in my body with each throw, so when I don't feel that, I do it again until I do.  This turns a set of 8 reps into 9 or 12 because I just want to get it right for my own well being.  

    With all this being said, I still do connect to Jennette McCurdy's story.  Although I don't try to please others, I still do absolutely to please my working mind.  For me, this doesn't come in the form of squeezing my buttcheeks for exactly 55 seconds.  This means I have to find the exact correct way to word this sentence in my blog so that it flows the way that sounds best.  It might take 5 minutes, or an hour to get this blog out, but I do know that when it is done, it will be the highest quality of writing that I can produce, and it won't bug me that I didn't word everything correctly or get all of my thoughts out.